I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My vagina is very pro this idea
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