Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Drunk is a universal language darling
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize