wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
