When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Drunk is a universal language darling
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
