the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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