Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
