I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
