My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
