I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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