My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I need a beard to bite.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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