I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
