Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
