Just fell off a train. Bad.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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