I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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