I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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