let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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