After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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