It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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