guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
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