True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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