i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
