What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
