I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize