I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
