Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
