I am spending my child support on dildos
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
