fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
