My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
