Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
