do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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