my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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