I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
