Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
