roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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