ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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