Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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