his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
