literally had 100 drinks last night.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
