My liver just broke up with me...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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