even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
