My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
