My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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