Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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