i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
