I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
