I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
