Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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