Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
