Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
