i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
