i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
