im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
