Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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