You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
