Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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