when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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