shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
