thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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