but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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