I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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