Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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