Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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